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2006 Season in Rear View - part 2 "What Went Right"

Posted: May 22nd, 2006, 9:31am PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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Here I am sitting in the aftermath of a grotesque Preakness Stakes with many jotted notes and half-finished articles about the Celtics 2005/06, and very little by way of actual coherence. Fittingly, much like the team itself, everything I write about them seems disjointed, unclear and uninspired. Perhaps this is the natural consequence of the process of autopsy, but it amazes me that other blog-sources are able to maintain an enthusiasm about the future of a team that seems to promise nothing but more DOA seasons like the one we just witnessed.

Anyway, I'll try to get more current later this week with the talk about Doc's future and the revisionist motherfucking of Ricky Davis, but for now, our 2005/06 wrap-up continues with the few things that went right this season.

Kendrick Perkins – Perk started the season on a precipice, with a body of work in 04/05 that ranged from impressive difference-making performances to psychotically out of control embarrassments. After a phenomenal pre-season, he was inexplicably buried on the bench in favor of Mark Blount and Brian Scalabrine, but managed to force his way into the starting lineup as the season progressed, simply by virtue of the fact that he was (and remains) the toughest Celtics big man and the only one who can consistently rebound. His shoulder separation injury robbed him of 13 games, and Doc’s stubbornness/stupidity robbed him of full time minutes in many more, but he showed this year that despite 5.2/5.9 averages, he could become a legit 12/9 type player when he fully matures. Not earth shattering, but definitely worth re-signing, and something of a steal for an under-celebrated high school-er picked at 27 in a top-heavy draft. Celtics fans everywhere are uncertain whether to celebrate or bemoan the fact that his modest production and consistent improvement have managed to overshadow the once blinding light of his fellow man-child, Al Jefferson.

Trading Mark Blount – Danny’s greatest folly as a GM was signing the softest and dumbest big-man in the league to a 6 year deal after the 2004 season, committing over 10% of our total payroll to a no-talent locker room cancer who showed all signs of shitting the bed big-time after having had an irreproducible career season. In the two years after signing his deal, Blount became a classic case of a guy who gets minutes simply because he's owed big money, and regardless of how badly he fucked up on and off the court, he was given infinite second chances to regain a prominent role on the floor. For a team that had to endure years of inept front court play from Walter McCarty and Antoine Walker in the service of Jim O’Brien style small-ball, Blount’s inability and unwillingness to pursue rebounds or play adequate man-to-man defense was too much to forgive, regardless if his strangely pristine 15 foot jump shot was falling. Blount is about as big of a fuckhead as you’ll find in the league, and though it required us to take on the overpaid/under-knee-ed Wally Szczerbiak, any deal in which he and his grotesque salary are jettisoned has to be considered a steal.

Gerald Green – After sliding from a likely top-three pick all the way down to the Celtics at 18, most observers (this one included) concluded that our pit-bull loving teenager had raised a red flag large enough to be seen from Portland to New York after a controversial work-out cancellation started a storm of murmurs prior to the draft. In hindsight, he probably had his head up his ass after all of the "next McGrady" talk, but thankfully the Celtics actually handled his situation correctly, allowing him to get torched in training camp so that he himself recognized the utility of going to the NBDL for some seasoning and professional coaching. To his credit, he came back, yes, with humility, but more importantly his enthusiasm was undiminished, and when he finally got some run towards the end of the season, his dunks, his beautiful jump shot and his joy for the game were a lot of fun to watch. It’s still difficult to determine if he’s on the road to becoming a baby McGrady or just a Desmond Mason with insane hops, but he was a good pick at where we got him (I’d still take Granger had he been available) and the Celtics ownership, ever aware of the marketing implications of a young, dunk-happy athletic freak, seem committed to seeing what he can do next year.

(NOTE – these were selected for their lack of ambiguity. For instance, Delonte West was a highlight this year, but as much as he became a fan favorite and a reliable shooter, he still raises more questions than he answers. The same goes for Paul Pierce, who had the best season of his career contrasted against the stark reality of a 33 win season)
2006 in Rear View - Part One

Posted: May 9th, 2006, 2:57pm PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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The most surprising aspect of the Celtics 2005/2006 season is that it was even worse than most people were expecting. For a team that entered the season with every pre-emptive excuse imaginable already siphoned out to the media and fan-base in an effort to reduce expectation, they still managed to be a brutal disappointment. That they fell short even of the expectations of a blog called “Celtics Doom” (prediction: 35-47) is simply a useful shorthand for what has to go down as one of the worst seasons in the franchise’s history, a history which is notable more and more only for its rapidly diminishing relevance.

Ultimately, this was the season where it was confirmed that the Wyc/Ainge era is nothing more than a series of shortsighted decisions that have amounted to nearly three years of the franchise spinning its wheels. It was the season where it became abundantly clear that the failure-of-nerve and fiscal meanness of their "leadership" has landed us firmly in the horse latitudes of NBA irrelevance, and we are probably going to be stuck there for a long time. We saw that the refusal to invest real money into the team via free agency or trades, combined with over-hyped draft picks and a fetish for “good character,” has doomed this franchise to a kind of mediocrity that only a complete dismantling will ever undo.

So, in no particular order, these were the three biggest disappointments of the season, the things that should give us absolutely no hope:

1) Doc Rivers cannot coach: It cannot be understated how bad of a coach Doc Rivers is in every aspect of the profession – he fails at the x’s and o’s, he treats players with a transparent double standard based on personal bias, he refuses to adapt when his schemes prove unworkable, and he shits all over players to the media to deflect criticism from himself. Substitute Doc with a competent game coach and we might have eked into the playoffs. Leave Doc in for another season and we’ll have a complete mutiny. The second game of the season (with the egregious failure to defend the inbounds pass against the Pistons) provided an abundantly clear synopsis of why this guy is a terrible albatross - firing Doc should be priority #1 if the Celtics want to be taken seriously.

2) Paul Pierce at his best is not an impact player: This blog was at times virulently anti-Pierce in 04/05, and this year we appropriately had to eat some humble pie when he turned in the best season of his career. Unfortunately, even with Pierce playing out of his mind, the Celtics still finished as the 7th worst team in the league, and there are few left (outside of Celticsblog loyalists) who believe it possible to build a championship contender with Pierce as its centerpiece. This is no diss on Pierce, really. The far more highly regarded Kevin Garnett and Allen Iverson didn’t make the playoffs either, but it does go to show the difficulty in building a team around a scoring swingman who doesn’t like to play defense and has no particular talent for making his teammates better. Pierce is a good rebounder and great at getting to the line, but he is a miserable ball handler and a playmaker of wildly vacillating acumen. The team will never improve until a rock solid PG is in place who can get the ball out of Pierce’s hands and ensure a consistent TEAM offense. Unfortunately, the team balked at the opportunity to pry the very serviceable Earl Watson from the Nuggets, most likely because they were more concerned with dumping Mark Blount’s contract and acquiring a marketable (ie: “white”) player in Wally Szczerbiak.

3) Our “Young Talent” is not all that talented: Even putting aside the ghastly backward steps taken by Tony Allen and Al Jefferson, this season brought with it the recognition that our “young core” consists primarily of a bunch of guys who will at best someday be good NBA role players. Outside of the unformed Gerald Green, none of these players look to be an all-star type talent, and with the exception of Kendrick Perkins, none seem to have any kind of great untapped potential. Delonte West proved most definitively that he is a very nice player and a cool/funny guy and NOT a starting NBA point guard. Ryan Gomes turned out to be a great story about a 4-year college player who sneaks into the NBA and remains too undersized at his natural position to provide anything resembling consistent production. Orien Greene was an early tease who fizzled into oblivion once he stopped worrying about losing minutes to Marcus Banks. And then we have the dregs – Tony Allen is still a spastic, out-of-control dimwit who can’t shoot and hogs the ball. Al Jefferson seems to be at best a 15/6 semi-star, at worst a mentally feeble man-child who will spend his career battling ankle injuries and his own lethargy.

In short, we have big fucking problems.

Next Week - More slicing and dicing of Wyc Grousbeck! Discussing The Few Things That Went Right! And………….. Hamcock of the YEAR!
Notes From The Final Whimper

Posted: April 20th, 2006, 8:21am PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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And so the Celtics 2005/2006 season came to an end with a truly fitting whimper - a draft-position-jeopardizing victory against the few brave souls on the Miami Heat roster cajoled into taking the court and risking serious injury days before the start of the playoffs. Thanks to them, the thousands of strangely loyal Celtics fans who accounted for yet another sell-out at the TD Banknorth Garden at least got to see a "contest," albeit one without Dwayne Wade or Shaq, the players most of these people undoubtedly were forking over their cash to see. However, much in the way that few ask for refunds when the Allman Brothers Band plays concerts without anyone named "Allman" still in the band, apparently no one was too pissed off about this development, and "fan appreciation night" continued apace.

So yes, this was the bitter end, broadcast to us in HDTV and accompanied by one last dose of grotesque omni-organizational boosterism from Tommy Heinsohn. It has been a tough, ugly season, and one that we will break down in greater detail in the coming days, but simply out of respect to the time we all put in watching this season, it seems appropriate to mark the official end of the game with a recap of sorts.With that in mind, if watching Tony Allen hog the ball and repeatedly drive to the basket is your idea of a good time, tonight paid off handsomely. The Heat played hard for the first half but seemed a bit disjointed playing without 3/5 of their starting lineup, and just gave up once we got a double digit lead. From there on in it was songs in the key of "let's get this the fuck over." As the attention of many fans wandered from the "action" on court, some noticed Pierce sitting on the bench in a pricey pinstripe suit, all full of grins and giggles, undoubtedly looking forward to some serious off-season drinking.

Of course, this being the last game of the season, the broadcast was full of moments of looking back and gazing forward. Heinsohn dusted off his favorite theater metaphor one last time and stated that the beginning of the season "was like rehearsals in New Haven if you were to compare it to a Broadway play." As one who lives quite close to New Haven, I can assure you, no one there knows what the fuck he was talking about. No word on Heinsohn if the end of the season resembled the historic Hartford Circus Fire, another example of popular entertainment gone horrifically awry.

On the player side of thing, tonight marked the probable end to the Celtic careers of Mike Olawakandi and Orien Greene, as well as at least one of the "Future is Now" players relentlessly promo-ed on FSN. We bid them a fond farewell, especially Orien who, as has been noted ad nauseum in these pages, often gave me a headache. Beyond that, Gerald Green, likely sick of being shit on by Coc in the press, barely looked for his shot and ended the season with an unimpressive 8 points. Perk flailed around ineptly and missed what seemed like dozens of easy shots. Raef was godawful, Tony Allen was difficult to watch, and Wally babbled unconvincingly to Greg Dickerson about how excited he was to rehab his knee over the summer. Why do I think these are three things we’ll bear witness to next year as well?

Player of the Game - Dwayne Jones. I'm not sold on this guy being much of anything, but he's had a couple Brandon Hunter-esque games that should make us at least consider he might be a viable end of the bench spare part. Unfortunately, we have like 11 of them already on our team.

Hamcock - Brian Scalabrine. The last Hamcock of the season must go to the man who embodies the very worst of our post-Waltah roster, the 15-million dollar stiff whose greatest contribution to the team is watching "24" with Wally Szczerbiak. Tonight, ironically, he gets the Hamcock for playing well in a game WE WANTED TO LOSE. If this moron playing effectively in this pointless game costs us a chance at Rudy Gay, it will be the most fitting capper to the worst free-agent signing of the Ainge era. To quote my hero(s) the Wizznutzz, “When Scalabrine makes his lumbering move in the paint, he looks like a man emerging from the woods, trying to shake off a pack of raccoons.” Indeed. Hopefully he and Wally have TIVO’d enough crappy episodic television to make it through the summer.

Quote of the Night - "Some things will be the same. Paul Pierce will be here, Gerald Green will be here, Delonte West will be here," Wyc Grousbeck on the future of the Celtics season ticket holder "experience." You heard it, next year is going to be more of the same: Paul Pierce and a bunch of low-talent/high-character second round picks stumbling into the middle of the lottery, only maybe now with cheerleaders and a nicer scoreboard. Yay! As the ghastly tin-eared advertisement now says, "Why settle for the night of your life... when you can have 41 of them?"

Anyway, the end of the season brings with it the general notion of finality and celebration and all that stuff. I want to thank ever single one of you who comment on Celtics Doom for making it such a cool place to talk, vent and laugh. We're all probably the only people on the planet who equally enjoy the Boston Celtics, asshole/taint jokes, and obscure French linguistic philosophy, but goddammit, we found each other. Special thanks to Tittyfuck for inventing the Hamcock this season, an idea which perfectly embodied everything that we here are and the fanboys ain't. So thanks again, and happy off-season to everyone.
Wyc Eats the Soul

Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:48am PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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A classic late season debacle that found thousands of Boston area fans who forked over good money to watch LeBron James and (too a much lesser extent) Paul Pierce, instead subjected to a grueling paint-by-numbers crap-a-thon between the Celtics and Cavaliers supporting casts. I watched parts of the game, listened to most of it, was enervated by all of it. We’ll have a comprehensive season autopsy in the next few days but for now, a few notes on what we learned from last night:

1) Wyc Grousbeck's favorite player is Paul Pierce! For those of us who thought this season's perpetual PR blow job on Paul couldn't get any more shameless, we were treated to metrosexual-fashion icon/owner Wyc Grousbeck spending the 2nd quarter on the mic with Gorman and Cousy, where he let free with some highly coveted insider info. Are you ready? Paul Pierce is not only a super duper player, but, he is a super-er duper-er human being as well. That’s right, Wyc LOVES Paul because he is a humanitarian millionaire who occasionally visits children hospitals on his off-days, just like Wyc and his “very fortunate” buddies who all got together one swell afternoon and bought a basketball team with their fathers’ money. Thanks Dad(s)! And yes, just so you know, Wyc views the fans as owners. Because… I don’t know, something along the lines that he thought he was an owner when he was a fan and now that he’s a fan he’s… I forgot. It was inspiring though, truly. Nothing like hearing the good news from the King of the Trustafarians after watching 81 shitty basketball games on my own dime. Wyc should know that as a newly christened part owner, I now await a large cheque to link my financial divestment with my emotional one.

2) Delonte West, Accountemps 6th Star Award Winner. In a perfunctory development with all the drama of the Lachey/Simpson divorce, the cuddly one was codified by the good people of Accountemps as fan favorite du jour, joining such distinguished past winners as Bryant Stith and Mark Blount. This thing is supposedly voted in by the fans, but that seems about believable as the "touch of the flu" story we've now heard twice this season to excuse a Tommy Heinsohn absence. Delonte gave an almost completely incomprehensible acceptance speech for this "award," muttering something weird and slurred about “hard work…. Fans…. Work… value.” In my eyes, he’d be player of the year if he’d just grabbed the camera and started chanting "because whoever does, is going to make VP." The real prize, however, was hearing Daddy Wyc proclaim him “second favorite Celtic” of ownership, the kind of praise that has “contract lowball up ahead” written all over it.

3) Also from the mouth of Wyc – “The Celtics are a player away.” Uhh, "maybe" he meant, because uhhh, he leaves that all up to Danny, is what he meant to say. But we learned definitively that what makes Wyc so happy is not the record, not the style of play, but the Character of the team. Yes, he literally said that he cares mostly that the team has a good character. Not “a good character” in the sense a screenwriter might be interested in, but rather that we’re a happy cuddly family of elves and Delontes who love one another dearly and don’t pound our heads on the lockers when our natural sense of competitive drive makes us react poorly to 32 win seasons. In other words, a team with one max contract and a rotating cast of mediocre players fighting for their NBA lives. Yeah! Celtic Pride!
Like Money, Like Envy

Posted: April 12th, 2006, 10:02pm PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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At this point in the season, what can one say about a meaningless five point loss to the Pacers? The best I can muster is: it wasn't completely excruciating. We saw lots of offense, a semi-exciting semi-comeback at the end, and numerous Gerald Green highlights. It barely even registered throughout that the Pacers were driving the final stake into the feeble heart known as the Celtics post-season hopes, but they did and now it's official - we're heading to the lottery.

With that in mind, only a chump or a full-on Ainge patsy would take a "lets get this over without anyone getting hurt" game like tonight's seriously enough to write a real recap, so instead I'll focus on what we all tuned in for - Gerald Green. Those with the mental fortitude to tune in and pay attention to a meaningless late season Celtics game were rewarded with more of Gerald's magical ride, as he wound up with not only a career high 22, but many TIVO worthy highlights. These included:

1) An amazing bit of body control as he got fouled going to the rim and gently tossed it in from the side, George Gervin style.

2) An insane dunk on the break from an Orien Greene feed.

3) A more insane alley oop dunk.

4) A 60 ft 3-pointer as the 24 second clock expired.

5) Numerous smooth 18 foot jump shots over the disinterested defense of Stephen Jackson and Peja Stojakovic.

While he kicked ass individually, however, one cannot ignore the fact that the team floundered with him on the floor. This seemed largely due to the fact that in his youthful eagerness to score a shitload of points and prove that he can play, he tends to take quick shots and stifle the team ball movement. Still, at this point in a lost season, it was encouraging enough to see that he was confident, active, and that his outside shooting is scary good. In fact, as much as this team feels like little more than a collection of Paul Pierce, a couple bargain basement 2nd round picks and bunch of overpaid white guys, I think we can at least rightfully claim to have two of the better young outside shooters in the game with Green and Delonte.

So, assuming he's not traded, the question remains: after Gerald comes back down to earth and his minutes diminish, will he eventually develop into a consistent and effective role player? As we have seen this year, with the exception of Al Jefferson, every one of the Celtics young players has gone through a monster stretch like Gerald is on, and has ultimately disappointed - Gomes, Perkins, Delonte and Orien (pre-season) each had a series of games where they seemed like a long term solution at their various positions, but each winds up the season as essentially a question mark.

So while we all know that Gerald will not be putting up 22 a night next season as a 2nd year player off the bench, he seems owed some optimism simply because his athleticism and outside shooting seem special enough that they could probably get him through the rough patches of learning to play against tough NBA defenses keyed to stopping him. Of course, his own defense is a problem, and we might find out that he's dumb like Al Jefferson and implode the minute he's asked to participate more fully in the team defense schemes. Also, his offensive game might simply prove too one-dimensional to work into a cohesive team concept, and there's always that problem of adjusting when the defense finally figures you out.

Of course, this speculation could be entirely moot as Gerald and Al appear to be Bait Numero Uno and Dos in the effort to secure a Pierce-appeasing veteran and momentarily fulfill Wyc's Quixotic quest for instant respectability. If Gerald is traded, look for the inevitable Kedrick Brown comparisons to fly and the Celtics PR to spin an image of him being all jump and no brain. This might be true, but it also might not. For one, I would hope that those fan-pleasing dunks will put enough dollar signs in Grousbeck's eyes that we can keep Gerald in Green long enough to learn for ourselves exactly how good he can be.
Like Saw II, only more pointless

Posted: April 4th, 2006, 10:18pm PDT by Dr. Chestnutt

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A languid victory in Toronto that did little more than weaken our draft position and prove that even 124-120 games can be boring as fuck. Tonight we saw two teams playing pretty much just to avoid injury, providing the assembled dozens all the intensity of an exhibition and enough sloppiness to include an excruciating 81 free throws (although Toronto went 28-28, which was kind of cool).

As such, this was another game that was hard to really gauge anything from, outside of the fact that even without having to contend with Chris Bosh we could barely beat the fourth worst team in the East. Both teams played something along the lines of Jim O'Brien-ball without the defense, with only Mike James showing any real heart on the Raptors side. At one point the Celtics were up 12 and James almost single handedly accounted for a 13-1 run that got them back in the game. The Celtics shot well, rebounded poorly, and ended up pulling away in the last two minutes on a Ryan Gomes post move against Charlie V that put it into two-possession, make-your-free-throws-and-you-win territory.

On the player side of things, the most noteworthy development was Gerald Green getting, as they say, "a real look," including the last three crunch-time minutes. It was the best he's played all year - active on D, moved without the ball on offense, shot well, pissed off everyone with a last minute dunk, and hit a kinda-pressure-filled free throw that helped win the game. Pierce had a brutal 2-10, 5 turnovers, lots of excessive dribbling, but he went to the line 24 times, and at least that kept Tommy shut up. As far as everyone else, Wally shot well, Raef hit many barely-contested threes, Gomes was solid, and Orien Greene continued to prove that Danny Ainge is wayyyyyy to loose handing out three year deals.

So it was a fairly boring trek through the lower depths of the league's mandatory scheduling requirements. I would be remiss, however, if I did not report the most important development of the evening (indeed, the only thing that really made it worthwhile) - the 4th quarter return of Celtics (semi)Super-Fan Donnie Wahlberg, who announced to us all those six little words we have longed to hear: "I'm going to do Saw 3." Yeah! Donny Wahlberg! That guy's on IMDB!

Player of the Game - Gerald Green. Awwww, I'm being cutesy-pooh, but this was a "I'll want this time back when I die" kind of evening, and Gerald provided the only real interest for the jaded Celtic fan grasping at straws to justify watching the last nine games. That said, as mentioned before, he did look pretty solid, and it remains a wretched example of Coc's stubborn "internal pecking-order rules all" bullshit that he wasn't put out there earlier in the season when we were losing anyway and the second unit clearly needed a scorer.

Hamcock - Kendrick Perkins. In his trumpeted return to the starting lineup, Perk pretty much sucked, providing zero intensity, getting outrebounded by Brian Scalabrine(!) and continuing to turn the ball over like, uhhh, Brian Scalabrine. Worst of all, his subpar play allowed Raef to go for 20/8, all but assuring that L'honkey stiff won't be diagnosed with a mystery ailment for the last eight games in order to let Perk and Al get tons of minutes.

Quote of the Night - "Eric Williams gives Paul Pierce a special hug," Mike Gorman describing a touching encounter at half-court moments before tip off. If anything ever begged for more elucidation in a Celtics broadcast and went wanting, I cannot remember, but unfortunately this encounter occurred off-camera and all we can do is wonder exactly what physical entanglement this "special hug" entailed. Arms slipped under the uni? So-called "eskimo kissing"? A quick finger up the ass? The mind races. Gorman went on to say that it left Pierce "giggling," only heightening the Brokeback Mountain-esque tenor of the imagined proceedings. No word on whether Wally plans to work this "special hug" into his between-free-throw-encouragement repertoire, but we're all hoping Inmate #42 was paying attention, because out in the Yard, sometimes the hug proves mightier than the shiv.
Anything Worse Would Be The Knicks

Posted: March 29th, 2006, 10:44pm PST by Dr. Chestnutt

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We don't often see the Celtics on the friendly side of a blowout, but it turns out this rarest of occurrences is characterized primarily by lots and lots of Wally Szczerbiak hyper high-fiving. So yes, indeed, tonight we saw plenty of them as the Celtics bested the only team in the league that regularly challenges them for the title of "most gutless." Boston ran and got easy baskets, scoring 71 points in the first half alone, and ended up with 123, or roughly one point for every clumsy reference to the NCAA tournament made by Mike Gorman.

The Knicks, it turns out, are a disaster on a scale normally reserved for the description of ill fated NASA missions. The Marbury/Francis thing is a joke, and Eddie Curry does nothing but justify all of the tasteless "heart probems" puns that some of us more insensitive types have been known to make, repeat, and laugh at. Actually he had 20/8, but he might as well not even be on the floor. What is most bizarre about this team, though, is that all of these former stars and huge talents now just seem so completely anonymous and unremarkable. It's not just that they suck as a team, but each of the individual players seems to have turned into a shitty carbon copy of the next. There is no personality, no distinction, just an endless rotation of players with similar skills and abilities who all seem to have given up long ago. It is incredible to think that we saw $120 million on the floor and the only players that made any kind of impression were Quentyl Woods and David Lee.

But this is not Knicks Doom.

As a Celtics fan it was a difficult game to get anything out of outside of the simple fact that the Celtics are not as bad as the Knicks. Yay. But it was good to see them execute their offense and score all those easy baskets they're supposed to score when Doc Rivers remembers that Danny's "vision" supposedly involved the development of a running game. That this was accomplished largely in the face of defensive indifference is well worth remembering before anyone gets all excited.

We did have a couple moments that were fairly illuminating, if only for how weird this team is - 1) In a cutesy-pooh hall-of-fame nominee moment, we watched as Pierce and Wally kept deferring to the other over who was going to shoot a technical free throw, with Pierce finally convincing Wally to take it, who of course sunk it, while the George and Martha-esque Steve Francis and Jalen Rose looked on with secret envy, seething resentment and quietly breaking hearts. Or so I will pretend. 2) Brian Scalabrine passionately arguing a call with 4:45 left in the game and the Celtics up 37. The quintessential Tommy Point moment. Truly.

On the player side of things, Pierce was solid with 22, Gerald Green had a sick dunk and a nice clock beating 20-footer, and Wally, as mentioned, had a lot of high fives. The bench was okay, but it didn't really matter. Of course, Delonte was a cuddly lil' floor general, even in garbage time when lesser cuddly types would give up and play sloppy, but noooooooooo, Delonte was barking orders and making this young Celtics squad work, and goddammit, that's why he's so fucking wonderful...

So yeah, it was a total blowout. Just goes to prove that even at the bottom of the barrel there is always something beneath you.

Player of the Game - Ryan Gomes. Ryan set the tone early against Curry and Malik Rose, and had a great night overall with 15/13, which is only fitting when one considers that his heavy reliance on smarts and hustle presents him as something of the ultimate anti-Knick. But in a game like this, everyone looks good, so Ryan shouldn't display this award too prominently on his mantle.

Hamcock - Tony Allen. Not only has Tony temporarily lost his title as "Most Likely to embarrass the organization" (to TFTF), but tonight he pissed off the brave few of us who sat through garbage time waiting to see Gerald Green get some fucking points, and instead had to watch Tony "old news" Allen hog the ball. Apparently Tony didn't receive the "no one gives a fuck about you anymore" fax, and so Gerald got basically frozen out in the extended garbage time of the 4th quarter, even after he'd had a productive first half. It's kind of funny watching Gerald dutifully toss the ball into Perk and then scurry away to the corner 3 point line, and kind of sad when you see him never get the ball back.

Quote of the Night - "The all glazed-over team," Mike Gorman describing the Knicks. Heinsohn kept trying to work in comments about the Knicks "eyes misting over" but Gorman nailed it with this far more pithy appellation. Perhaps we can include this with our end of the year "All Gentle" and "All Might Be Gay" teams. It was a solid broadcast night, Tommy's streak of fairly chilled-out games continues, even if we heard him bitch a little about the calls and admit that he didn't want "justice," he simply wanted the calls to go in the Celtics favor. This recap cannot be complete without mentioning that there was some strange, under-explained halftime ceremony featuring a collection of former NBA players that included Heinsohn, Dolph Shayes, Harry "the Horse" Gallatin and Rod Strickland(!). I still have no fucking idea what links these guys together, and they never said why during the broadcast. The REAL All-Glazed Over Team.
Give it away, give it away

Posted: March 26th, 2006, 7:16pm PST by Dr. Chestnutt

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A classic loss that contained all the elements of what we know now as "the story of 2005/2006." The mentally anemic Celtics blew a double digit lead in the fourth and gift wrapped the Bulls a one game swing in their quest for the final playoff spot in the East. In a contest that supposedly "meant something" (ie - vague playoff hopes), the Celtics smiled and giggled like a bunch of chicks at the mall, and then choked once the game got close.

It didn't take a mystic to predict that the Celtics would implode, but more surprising was how shitty the Bulls looked for most of the game. They are a fascinating team in that sense - loaded with talent at almost every position, yet they don't really seem all that good. Perhaps it's a function of their youth, or the lack of an identifiable focal point, but I'm thinking they'll be the easiest out in the history of the playoffs should they eke their way into them.

On the (Celtics) player side of things, Perk was probably the only one who came out of this with his dignity intact - his line was great 8/14, 5 blocks, but more importantly he returned to the "difference maker" form that made his entire pre-injury/pre-Gomes season such a cool story. Wally yet again couldn't hit outside shots, but scored via his wince-inducing white-guy drives. Gomes was solid, Inmate 42 was his usual mixture of okay-ness and insanity, and Scalabrine was actually tolerable. Several tittypoints were awarded to the always lamentable Orien Greene who kept jacking up three pointers (all misses) in the first half, while the mysterious upside known as Gerald Green stood alone, wide open and touch free. The second unit should just run some plays for Gerald, because in this season of figuring out roles and "developing" players, I think we already know we don't want Orien Greene taking those shots.

So it was a fitting final chapter for the fiction known as "the Celtics playoff hopes," and one that leaves us uncertain of what can possibly be gained from watching these pussies play out the rest of the season. In the words of David Mamet, "it's going to be what it's going to be."

Player of the Game - Tyson Chandler. I'm no fan of Tyson and his wildly vacillating on-court effectiveness, but the Big-disappointment stuffed Pierce twice in the fourth quarter, including the drive with 33 seconds left that would have tied the game. Also, more importantly to our concerns, he gave a fine post-game interview with Greg Dickerson wherein his surprising eloquence and general friendliness completely belied his on-court semi-psycho persona. All-Gentle Team nominee? Not with the lovably infected teeth of Mike Olawakandi in the way, but perhaps Tyson could one day parlay his charm into a gig as a sideline reporter or a broadcaster. Tyson's "Chickens of Success"? You read it here first.

Hamcock - Paul Pierce. The "Greatest Offensive Celtic of All-Time" was positively Bird-like in crunch time as he missed his final four shots, three of which were actually important - a rushed 18 footer with the game tied, a one-on-four drive that was stuffed by Tyson Chandler down 2, and a bricked three pointer down 4 (which was only redeemed by Delonte West getting the offensive rebound). Even Heinsohn was muttering, CelticsDoom-like, about his shot selection.

Quote of the Night - "Scalabrine's supposed to be really smart." Tommy Heinsohn. On the heels of this blog's 2000+ word savaging of Tommy's grotesque homer-ism (and other things), our man in the broadcast "booth" unleashed a withering critique on (the red-head!) Scalabrine's penchant for "lumbering two-step drives" that always seem to resolve themselves as offensive fouls. Wow, Tommy providing actual critical analysis of a Celtic player, it was like Chauncey Billups leaving his feet all over again. On the topic of the broadcast, Tommy and Gorman seem to have achieved detente in their ongoing war over ref-baiting, and the past two broadcasts have been much more pleasant to sit through (if you can just ignore Gorman's capitulation to the forces of evil with his "Paul Pierce is having a Bird-like season" stupidity). Bonus points to Tommy for criticizing Perk's overzealous put-back dunk by stating, "all he needs to do is finger it easily." Indeed, gentlemen, indeed.
Tommy Points-less

Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 2:49pm PST by Dr. Chestnutt

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"We are what we pretend to be" – Kurt Vonnegut, “Mother Night.”

Intro

Tommy Heinsohn has every right to trade in on his own legacy for a steady job and the slight adoration of Celtics fans suffering through 15 years of horse latitudes, and if that was all he was and all he did, no one would have any problem with him. It is problematic, however, when he attempts to sully the legacy of the last truly great Celtic in an effort to prostitute a losing team to a disgruntled fanbase and burnish his own fading relevance.

For those who don’t know anything about this, here’s the general idea – Tommy Heinsohn, Celtics broadcaster, went to the Boston Herald proclaiming that Paul Pierce is a better “offensive player” than Larry Bird. His comments come at a point in the Celtics season when they are facing the reality of not making the playoffs, and with fan interest yet again fading away. It is not something that came out of the blue, he made essentially the same comments a few weeks ago during a broadcast, but they have caused something of an uproar on both sides of the argument, and thus we feel the need to weigh in.

Part I – A History of (Logical) Violence

Tommy Heinsohn’s public persona has evolved over the past 20 years from a likeable “homer” with a deceptively astute basketball mind, into a hack and an egotistical windbag who uses his soapbox on FSN to stroke ownership and repaint his version of Celtics history. As such, he is far more engaged in the process of promoting “Heinsohn the Broadcast Legend” than he is with providing accurate or even interesting commentary about the team. This is something we have all kind of come to expect and even find vaguely likeable, or at very least, comfortably familiar. Heinsohn’s distortions often just fade into the background, allowing his occasional funny/charming moments to surface as always-welcomed nuggets of nostalgia. Compared to the excessively dry (or ridiculously hyper-masculine) tropes of modern basketball broadcasting, Tommy’s nonsense stands in relief as some kind of nod to a past that probably never even existed.

For those who follow this team way to closely, however it has always been apparent that Heinsohn has at least a small bit of resentment for the Celtics teams of the 80’s, probably because they overshadowed the 70’s championship teams that Heinsohn coached, the teams which to this day remain the most uncelebrated era of the team’s history.

More importantly, however, the 1980’s teams simply didn’t NEED Tommy Heinsohn. They were great, they were fun to watch, and they were intrinsically entertaining. They also had Johnny Most as the superfan-broadcaster, Bob Cousy as resident legend/expert, and the most relevant games (Finals) broadcast on national television (as an aside, it is telling that it is only on FSN promos you’ll see the Sportschannel camera angle and Gorman’s call from Game 5 against the Pistons in 1987 when Bird stole the ball. Everywhere else you’ll see CBS’s shot and hear Johnny Most)

The point is, Tommy Heinsohn wasn’t so inseparably woven into the fabric of the Celtics viewing experience as he today. He was a sideman in a much bigger show, a show that centered on Larry Bird, the Boston Garden and the then relevant notion of “Celtics Pride.” In that context he was likeable but hardly vital. He rooted openly for the Celtics, yes, but he was occasionally critical, hardly an apologist, and maintained enough national credibility to serve as a CBS playoff broadcaster.

It was in the years that followed, the years wherein the Celtics fanbase dwindled, their luck ran out, ownership lost focus, and, most importantly, Johnny Most died, that Tommy reinvented himself as The Ultimate Homer. In this role, Tommy eventually realized that the most imposing obstacle to fans appreciating the “current” team was the legacy of success it competed with and constantly fell short against. If people were to remain interested in the mediocre present, then the past would need to be demystified. At the same time, the new fans, the younger ones who barely remembered Bird or the 80’s, were more able to be indoctrinated by funny Tommy as he bitched about the referees, compared rookies to JoJo White and other players they had never heard of, and eventually, consummated his cult-of-personality with the creation of “Tommy Points.”

Through it all, we heard the exaggeration and the wild comparisons - some bordering on egregiously stupid, some actually interesting. Rick Pitino was bringing back “old fashioned Celtics basketball,” Ron Mercer reminded him of Sam Jones, Al Jefferson has more moves at his age than Kevin McHale. These kinds of things were viewed as harmless, because they evoked hopefully hyperbole more than any kind of actual critique. They were the enthusiastic encouragement of the old guard, unafraid to compare the legacy of the old with the potential of the new.

But in this Bird/Pierce comparison, it is as if Heinsohn has finally abandoned all pretense of reason and is now actively burning down the remains of Celtics legacy in order to pimp “his” team of today. No longer is it potential or promise, but now Heinsohn wants you to believe that a two-month hot streak from Pierce demands his coronation with the true greats, ie – he implies that on some level what you’re seeing now is better than what you believe was the best you ever saw. And Heinshon the basketball mind can justify Heinshon-the-Shill’s comments with the way he parses the words (“offensive player”) to leave room for whatever it is that you the fan still treasures in your memories of Larry Bird and the 80’s Celtics. Unfortunately, 3 MVP’s, 3 championships, six 60+ win seasons, and a fuckload of shared memories need a lot more room than Tommy’s half-assed qualification.

But this leads us to the key question, what exactly does Heinsohn mean when he says that Paul Pierce is a superior “offensive player?”

Part II – Highly Offensive Player

The basic argument espoused by Heinsohn is that Pierce’s offensive technique is more varied, more explosive and thus, more potent than Larry Bird’s. Pierce is able to score in different ways than Larry, thus he is “better.” The numbers will never be able to solve this argument, but they are certainly interesting.

Over the course of his 13 seasons in the NBA, Larry Bird averaged 24.3 points a game, including two seasons averaging 28 ppg, one where he went for 29.9. His career shooting percentage is .496, career free throw percentage is .886, .376 from the 3 point line. During the insane 87-88 season, he averaged 29.9 ppg and shot .527 from the floor.

Paul Pierce over the course of 8 seasons (we will, for the sake of this argument, freeze his statistics for this year at this point and call it an 8th “full” season) has averaged 23.4 ppg with a career shooting average of .440, career free throw percentage of .791, and .358 from the 3 point line. Like Bird, he has had 4 seasons where he eclipsed the 25 ppg scoring average. Where Pierce has a most obvious advantage is in free throw shooting, as he has averaged 6.3 makes and 8.0 attempts a game, vs. Bird’s 4.4 and 5.0. Pierce’s 8 attempts a game rank 2nd all time for the squad behind Ed Macauley (who Tommy is likely to one day compare to Orien Greene).

Comparing other offensive stats, the most glaring differential is in assists – Bird averaged 6.3 for his career while Pierce to this point has averaged 3.8. This is even more interesting when one considers that both players average 3.1 turnovers a game.

In terms of “offensive explosions,” Bird has the advantage. Bird has the single game Celtics scoring record with 60 pts, and went for 50 or more 4 times (3 of which occurred during his first 8 seasons). Pierce’s career high is 50, and that is the sole time he accomplished that benchmark.

Examining all of this, a fairly clear picture emerges – both players can score, but Bird was a better shooter, more efficient, and made his team better. A streaky shooter, Pierce is far more effective at getting to the rim and drawing fouls, and is more of a volume scorer than a playmaker.

So again, what makes a superior “offensive player”? Is it the guy who scores more points, is it the guy who shoots better, is it the guy who makes his team better? Unfortunately for Heinsohn’s thesis, as of this date, Bird still outpaces Pierce in every single one of these categories. This doesn’t even bring in the whole issue of clutch shooting, of offensive intangibles, or of leadership. Again, this is where Bird is not only better than Pierce, but where he was better than anyone in his era not named Magic Johnson. And maybe that’s a better way to look at it, because as Celtics fans, we all harbor the kinds of suspicions about our idols that are natural by-products of over-familiarity. So ask yourself this, is Paul Pierce a better offensive player than Magic Johnson? I think most would agree that it’s idiocy to even ask the question.

In that same sense, are we to assume that Dominique Wilkins is a better offensive player than Bird because his scoring numbers were slightly higher during the period they were both in the league together? It’s a valid question, not only because Pierce’s numbers correspond more closely to Dominique’s, but also because it begs the question, if we want to consider player A better the player B, but B was a winner and A wasn’t, what does this mean? There is no doubt to me that Wilkins was a much better scorer than Bird, but Bird was the much better “offensive player” because he won, he hit more clutch shots, and he made his teammates better. If, as most would probably agree, Bird is better than Dominique (who nonetheless has one of the most underrated legacies in all of sport), than there’s no fucking way that Pierce even enters the conversation.

Unfortunately, the “winning” thing plays into the argument, often expressed by Pierce-lovers, that “Larry played with Hall of Famers and Pierce plays with inferior NBDL-level talent.” This is very, very, very debatable, because it presupposes that Bird’s legacy as a winner relies more on the later part of his career more than the beginning. But if you look at the numbers, Bird was successful with pretty much any kind of supporting cast, and just as importantly, he transformed his supporting cast into great players.

1) The 1978-1979 team that finished 29-53 and the 1979-1980 team that went 61-21 and lost to the 76’ers in the conference Finals were essentially the same team. The only significant differences were Larry Bird instead of Bob McAdoo, and Bill Fitch as coach instead of Dave Cowens. But each team’s core was basically Cedric Maxwell, Tiny Archibald, Dave Cowens, Rick Robey and Chris Ford. It is not a stretch to say that Bird essentially accounted for a 32 game swing.

2) The 1987-1988 team went 57-25. The next year was Bird’s injury year where he played 6 games, and that team, with HOF’ers McHale and Parish, went 42-40. Not even the 1st post-Jordan Bulls had such a fall off.

Part III – Senility and the case for memory

Ultimately, those who remember Bird will dismiss Heinsohn as being an idiot or a shill (Bill Simmons has already dismissed him as “old” ie – senile), and the younger fans will accept in varying degrees the idea that one cannot compare two players who ultimately play a very different game (both in style and in era). These younger fans, however, don’t have the access to the memories of a tougher, more competitive league that Bird thrived in as one of its two greatest winners (I consider Bird and Magic’s league to be the pre-expansion, pre-Jordan-as-winner league that existed between 80-88, comprising the two best teams of its time, the 86 Celtics and 87 Lakers). Because of this, these fans will not have the visceral reaction to having one of the 5 greatest players of ALL TIME compared to the best player on a losing team. It will simply seem, in their minds, unrealistic.

And that is why the comparison is so unfair to Pierce. It only digs up the animosity and doubt that he so successfully quelled this year with a brilliant season. It casts him again in the unfavorable glare of the past, a past which he will never be reconciled with by the fans until he wins a championship or an MVP, two unlikely milestones in his career. It makes us once more resent a present that we are trying hard to appreciate.

The thing is, Bird really did exist, he really was that good and he really made everyone around him better. Even if his legend to some degree exceeds his reality, it is important to let fans hold on to certain memories as sacred. It is the careful balance between honoring its past and constantly reinventing its “now” that makes sports uniquely visceral and historic. So whether Tommy’s comments are ticket-moving marching orders dictated by Wyc, or his own mercenary effort to reassert his place in Celtics lore (in this case, as would-be-kingmaker), it is to his shame that he so willingly pisses all over a legend the rest of us happen to cherish.

To close this far too lengthy argument, I’ll put it simply - throughout the vast majority of Bird’s career he was considered to be one of the top three players in the game. Pierce has made the all-NBA third team twice. No one in their right mind really thinks that Paul Pierce is a better player than Bird, but when Heinsohn throws out these kinds of inflammatory comments, he does in an effort to chisel away at a belief, a legend, which has always marginalized him in the hearts of Celtics fans. That’s why I personally find his words to be despicable and shameless. Not only does Larry Bird’s legacy deserve better, but so does Tommy Heinsohn’s.

(all statistics courtesy of www.celticstats.com)
La La Bland

Posted: March 20th, 2006, 10:27pm PST by Dr. Chestnutt

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A characteristic letdown after the Indiana win, tonight the Celtics played dispassionately and got their lethargic asses beat by a Laker team also playing its 3rd game in 4 nights. In an evening that went wanting for any kind of genuine drama or excitement, the relentlessly hyped "Kobe vs. Pierce" matchup turned out to be only a duel of misguided shots and out of control drives, a veritable open exposition for the worst facets of both overrated players. Kobe took a grotesque 39 shots and scored the most underwhelming 43 points of his career, while Pierce was 8-19 (2-8 from 3 point line) and turned the ball over 5 times. And unlike the win in Los Angeles, Ronny Turiaf played no significant role.

The game itself was fairly uninteresting and not worth recounting on a quarter by quarter basis, because outside of a couple runs, the story was basic - the Celtics played bad defense and couldn't hit the outside shot. The Lakers weren't much better, really, but Kobe scored, Odom was effective and Kwame Brown had, for him, a great night. In the end, the Celtics just couldn't get their shit together to overcome the hole they dug in the 1st half, and in the course of a failed comeback they allowed the always mentally fragile Lakers squad to walk out of the TD Banknorth Garden holding the temporary status of "winners."

The only interesting parts of this game were not really related to the score/outcome. There was a bizarre bit of shit talk exchanged between Kwame "Michael Jordan called me a faggot" Brown and Paul Pierce at the end of the second quarter that seemed little more than Kwame trying to shake Phil Jackson's "pussy" appellative (don't worry, you are what you eat Kwame, just ask Greg "Cadillac" Anderson). There were three strange occasions when Kobe Bryant complained to the officials after getting a call in his favor, further adding to his legend as a weirdo. We also saw two twisted ankles, one from Pierce, whose dramatic flops and injury fakery often borders on World Cup-ian in their extravagance, and one from the otherwise stoic Perkins. Both were okay though, so don't you worry.

On the player side of things, tonight saw further positives from Inmate #42 whose 18 points and 4 blocks offset his spastic drives and untimely turnovers. They keep saying he's "got his athleticism back" which is a concept I invite anyone to explain to me. Pierce had a crappy game with lots of ill advised outside shots and a general sense of malaise. Gomes further proved why he's a good player but not our PF of the future (is it possible that he's a better offensive rebounder than a defensive one?). Orien Greene was his usual awful self, Wally was inconsistent, and Gerald Green got his now-expected 4 minutes of meaningless run.

So it was a typical Celtics loss, and one made more disappointing because the specifics of the convoluted Payton trade indicate that we should be hoping for the Lakers to miss the playoffs this year (and thus, a pair of lottery picks for the Celtics), and beating them tonight would have gone some way to making that a reality. Instead, as always, we're fucked. Insert Kobe rape joke here.

Player of the Game - Kwame Brown. Yes, Kwame is a disaster at 8 million a year, but he kind of asserted himself tonight with a solid 11/9/5(!) and looked like he might eventually prove the better "man" in his platoon with Chris Mihm. Unfortunately, his spat with Pierce might lose him his spot on the CelticsDoom "All Gentle" team, this blog's tribute to the soft minded and kind hearted players throughout the league. Kobe had 43 points, as mentioned, but his performance was forced and ugly, and instead of being held in awe, this reporter simply wanted to make Kobe the player/the Japanese beef vs. COBE the COsmic Background radiation Explorer satellite jokes.

Hamcock - Delonte West. The cuddly one looked like total shit again, starting with a blown layup on the second possession of the game and continuing on with lots of the same uninspired post-injury play we've gotten accustomed to. Not all was bad for the Herp, however, because after getting tangled up with Kobe in a 3rd quarter semi-hard-foul situation, the Mamba started cuddling him right there on the the court! Seriously, he was rubbing his head and whispering in his ear, two signs of affection (or precursors to a high profile arrest) that only prove how cutsey-pooh our man Delonte is. Extra bonus information! CelticsDoom is the #1 result (of over 1000) when you Google "Delonte West herpes."

Quote of the Night - "Kobe has these rapier thrusts," Tommy Heinsohn. Either a ghastly malapropism or a moment of true subversion, Heinsohn uttered this gem during the underdiscussed "Tools for hire" segment wherein our man is tasked by the eponymous sponsor to make a pun involving a tool and a key to Celtics victory. That said, it wasn't very clear what "En Garde Kobe" meant, as fencing foils could hardly be considered "tools," but maybe I'm missing something about the entire advertising concept. Nonetheless, any invocation of Mamba and the words "rapier thrusts" is pretty funny. Also, on the topic of the broadcast, tonight featured a much more friendly rapport between Mike and Tommy, who recently have been displaying a level of interpersonal tension on par with a mid-period Ingmar Bergman film. This whole unspoken animosity (stemming from Tommy's insistence on dragging the broadcast down with endless petty complaints about the officiating) blew up last year at the end of the playoffs, a hugely strange moment that defined the phrase "I think we're spending way too much time together." Gorman, in particular, has the tone of an abused spouse who has been taking Yoga classes, feels better about themselves, and envisions a day when they no longer need to deal with that cruel, badgering, unfunny prick who probably smells like hard alcohol and generic-brand salted peanuts. If he explodes on air in a tirade of long simmering resentment and suppressed rage, my sincere hope is that Heinsohn's only response is "now that's a Tommy point!"

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