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Where The Wild Blogs Are (10 unread)

  • Permalink for 'Where_The_Wild_Blogs_Are/2006/03/06/At_the_tone__please_leave_a_message....'

    At the tone, please leave a message....

    Posted: March 6th, 2006, 8:47pm PST
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    I, in the midst of an extended vacation in the rain-soaked hills of Oakland, California, have taken a brief reprieve from reading short stories to inform.

    Dearest gentle readers of the interweb, you have two problems...

    Now, fear not, for I will solve at least one of these issues for you in moments. The other...well, it will take time and an effort from all of us, up-standing, freedom lovin', web warriors. Now, onto the matters at hand...

    Problem 1: The Internet is dead. It has been dead since July of 2004. I don't know if you realize this or not, but it is true. Think about it, weep softly, and then read on.

    Q: Who killed the Internet? (Our generation's "Who shot J.R.?," I ponder.)

    A: You.

    ...and you and you and you and you and you and me and you and you and you and probably me again, but mostly, you.

    Q: How did this happen, exactly, asshole?

    A: Everything that could have been said has now been said, and better.

    Therefore, how, in this age of rehashing, do we bring back the swingin' internet of the early 00's (Yes, face it, we are more than halfway through this decade...there is now an "early" part of this decade, and in it, the Internet thrived.)? The answer is simple. I have to start blogging again.

    The agenda: We blog until they make us stop, then...we dance on the street for pennies because we crave the attention and are broke because we spent our lives blogging. Together we can save the Internet from a fate better than a spot of trivia.

    Problem 2: It has been brought to my attention that I have been breached and the Tigorillougar Wall has been penetrated. I say this for the very reason that this is apparently occurring:


    A band (a term I choke on in this instance) of preteen Disney mall-goers are digging up the grave of 80's synth-rock legends, Devo, and are starting the devolution of all that is holy.
    Now, granted, while this is vile...and low for a very low company, Disney. It isn't surprising, to say the least. What is maddening is, scouring my past journal entries, I turned up this:
    Proof that Mark Mothersbaugh reads my journal.

    So, upon ingesting the efforts of 30 in 30 vets, someone came up with an idea to re-spawn my idols in tyke form. Fine. I will take this injustice all the way to my local mall, if need be. I suggest you do the same or who knows who is next...

    The Baby Beatles? The Rolling Pebbles? The Arcade Without the Fire? Madonna...oh, wait.

    Also, keep you blogs locked up tight...you never know who is reading.

    Problem 3: Yes, I know I said two problems but I just thought of a third and final...I don't know how to manually enter bullet points on this Mac. I apologize for the structure of this entry...I do not, however, apologize for the issues within. They are serious business. Get cracking, Internet. We need you.

    p.s. Beware the Ides of March
  • Permalink for 'Where_The_Wild_Blogs_Are/2006/02/22/I_m_this_many_'

    I'm this many!

    Posted: February 22nd, 2006, 1:00am PST
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    Hi journalers...

    I am four years old today!

    Remember way back, four years ago, when we were embarrassing ourselves in Olympic hockey, warring with far away lands for futureless substances, still surprised we elected someone who is possibly a monkey? Yeah...we've had some wild times, no?

    You know what they say, the more things change...

    ...the more I publish my blog into a book.

    No seriously, I really did publish my blog into a book. See:

    You thought I was joking. When have you ever known me to joke?

    Four more years! ...?
  • Permalink for 'Where_The_Wild_Blogs_Are/2006/02/08/These_are_the_things_I_think...'

    These are the things I think...

    Posted: February 8th, 2006, 8:50pm PST
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    Why is it still taboo for a lady to show her nipples? Or, better yet, why is an uncovered breast not offensive until the nipple is viewed, going by our current standards?

    I mean, it's so weird to me that A) it isn't considered nudity until there is nipple-age, and B) Dudes, much more offensive than ladies, mind you, can display their chesticles at will. So, if any one of you puritans can explain to me why a woman's breast isn't considered nude until her nipple is exposed or why that would be considered offensive to begin with, please do. I'm making it my duty to discover the truth from the lies of this fallacy

    I find our culture to be strange. For example, I was perusing Amazon.com when I came across these:

    Don't ask how I found them, Jokey McGee.... I am not an animal! At first I was like, "LOLZ AMAZON PORN!!" But then I was told that was something else completely and this isn't in fact porn at all. It's simply a woman's breast covered rudely by the fears and lies of hypocrisy.
    I get the practical reasons for this contraption, if you are wearing a slinky dress, which I often am, you certainly wouldn't want your nips to be all up in everyone's grill, would you? Well...

    The question becomes, if a man is walking around without a shirt, next to a woman without a shirt or anything covering her nipples and she is standing next to a woman without a shirt but she has on those things covering her nipples, would any of them be called indecent? We know the man wouldn't, though he should...if anyone should be appendage oppressed, it's a shirt-less dude.

    But, that begs the question, would either of the women? The uncovered women, likely! But what about lady with the covered nipples!? Amazon tells me she wouldn't be! I must know!

    This is what I propose:

    We all vote, once and for all, either we can all walk around topless at our leisure or we all have to button up in public and embrace our repressed ancestral rule...

    That, or we make star nipples the new fashion craze! Oh just think of the fun, heart nipple covers on Valentine's Day. Nipple covers that looks like scars on Halloween. Maybe we'd have a special turkey nipple the pops up on Thanksgiving. A little baby Jesus nipple covers on Christmas (or if you are Jewish, just use your yarmulke on your little dreidels!).

    This is easily why I should be running things. I look for answers and I get results...
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